>We started “going out” with this cute guy. “Going out” was the term we used to use those days, which didn’t require people to pronounce the word “relationship”. There were two aspects of this term being used. Turkish society had been going through immense changes over the last century. Our people had to jump from a conservative, religious, suppressed life to a modern, competitive and fast changing one in a very short time. Majority of the population in the big cities adapted themselves to this new life. However, there was still the rest of the country trying to catch up with the fast pace of the change. Therefore, relationships were seldom talked about openly in families and “going out” was an innocent term that didn’t have any resemblance to an intimate relationship. Although it was strong enough to make people uncomfortable, it was still a neutral, innocent word when it came to defining a relationship. This was one reason of the popularity of this term.

The other reason was the fear to break the code of new generation of Amazons. I think the fear of commitment, broken marriages and epic stories of free working women were on the top of their fame in Turkey in the 90s. “Commitment”, “marriage”, “having children” were scary words to the young working women. They just wanted to have a selfish, independent, irresponsible and free life. This was all they wanted and this they had. These women used live in packs like wild dogs, they were strong, independent, charming, clever and loved having fun. No men could be as witty as they were. They felt the pleasure of a black widow when they cunningly humiliated a man. However, the little girl hiding deep inside the amazon’s heart kept waiting for her prince charming. Whenever a member of the pack got engaged in a romantic and happy relationship, they were green with envy. They wanted a strong man, but they wanted to be stronger. They wanted their man to commit, but they were scared of commitment. They wanted to be protected and taken care of, but they wanted to be equal or even superior to their man. They wanted to have one night stands, but they felt sorry when they never received that telephone call next morning. They were amazed that none of their relationships worked out. They just couldn’t figure out why.

In this environment of free but unspoken relationships, men could easily approach women. Sadly, this new modern, open and horny generation of women changed the relationship concept in men’s head, too. Men also started looking for short term, meaningless relationships which is usually fine for most men. Respect and love started disappearing from the relationships so quickly that nobody realized what was missing. And there came a generation of unhappy relationships and unsatisfied people.

However, our relationship was different. We were really “going out” with this cute guy. We were having dinners, I was helping him in his dive center. He was clearly interested in me and I was definitely attracted to him. This guy was different than the rest of the men I knew, he respected my space, never even had an attempt to hold my hand. I loved the way he got all shy and blushed when he was with me. I knew that he respected me and wanted me so deeply that he didn’t want to take any risk to ruin what we had. I knew he was different and I knew I could live with him for the rest of my life. I just didn’t know if I was ready for that.

One day, he invited me over to his apartment for dinner. I thought this could be the night to start a real, romantic relationship. I accepted his offer and went to his appartment. He had set the table for two. He cooked vegetable rice and roasted chicken. I learnt much later that he put candles on the table and put them away several times. There were no candles when I came. We had a lovely dinner, and then he offered to watch some DVDs. We watched Matrix, then Gladiator, then Friends, all 10 seasons of it sitting side by side but not even touching each other. When it was almost 4 o’clock in the morning, I got pissed off and decided to go home. Just when I was going out, he said he’ll come downstairs with me. I found that meaningless, but didn’t comment. He opened the car’s door for me and kept holding it longer than necessary after I sat down and almost started the engine. I was really bored and asked him if he wanted to say anything. Then he said that he wanted to see me more often. He did see me often enough, I wanted him to speak his feelings out, but I was also impatient. “come and sit next to me” I said, and I kissed him.