>I realize that my attempt to blog in English is going down the drain. I wanted this one to be different than the Turkish blog, that’s why I was trying to tell my story here. But it doesn’t seem to work. Life’s own pace doesn’t really let me stop and go back to the past often. And frankly, I shouldn’t blame the pace of life or anything else, I just realized that I don’t like doing stopping and looking back in time. I’m not a person to keep organized photo albums and regular diaries of the past. I like treasuring the present moment so I hope this post will change the course of this blog.

> Gecenlerde eski toplanti notlarimdan birine bakmak icin isyerinde not aldigim defterleri cikardim ortaya. Haziran 2009’dan beri butun defterlerim kelebekli. Kelebek degisimin, donusumun simgesi. Hayati surekli, olumu de donusum olarak dusunmek bazi seyleri kabullenmeyi kolaylastiriyor sanirim.

Blog disinda bir gunlugum var artik. Genelde icimi ya buraya ya yakinlarima dokerdim. Arada bir kizginlik dolu, ofkeli yazilarim olmustur ama hicbirini kaydetmemisimdir. Sadece icimden cikarip silmisimdir. Farkettim ki bazi seyler var yazmam gereken, onlari yazmadan baska bir satir bile dokulmeyecek kalemimden. Herkese duyurmanin gereksiz oldugu, ama unutmak da istemedigim, belki zamani geldiginde birileriyle paylasmak isteyebilecegim bazi seyler. Ben de actim bombos bir sayfa, kosesine bir kelebek kondurdum ve yazdim. Ancak ondan sonra belli bir rahatlama yasayabildim, nefes almaya baslayabildim, kelebekleri gormeye baslayabildim. Sanki gunes de benim icin parliyor bugun, bundan sonraki her gun bir oncekinden daha guzel olacak, onu haber veriyor bana.

* Arda, kelebege butterfly demeye calisarak „obay” diyor. Hic te benzemiyor ama oyle diyor iste.

>Gitmekle çizilmiş yazgım benim

>

• Cok ama cok yogundum son iki haftadir. Ama oyle guzel, insanin sonucunu gormek icin sabirsizlanarak canla basla calistigi tarzdan degil, “yeniden yapilanma” adi verilmis, igrenc bir yogunluk. Insanlarin hayatlarini etkiliyor olma dusuncesi beni cok yordu. Iki kilo verip ilk kez hamilelik oncesi kiloma geldim. Anladim ki benden is insani bir yere kadar olur, duygusuzlasmak gerektiginde bunyem kaldirmiyor.
• Bir suru degisik, kimisi gereksiz, kimisi son derece rahatsiz edici insan davranisina maruz kaldim. Her birinde ogrenecek birseyler aradim, bazisinda buldum, bazilarinda hala bulamadim. Affetme konusunda buyuk yol katettim. Her aksam olumsuz duygulardan kurtulmak icin cesitli yollar denedim. En etkili yolun sevgililerimden birini yakalayip sIkIca sarilmak oldugunu gordum. Hepsine birden sarilmak daha da etkili tabii ki. Cocuklardan birini yakalayip gobegini gidiklamak da cok ise yariyor. Cocuklara “Stres aninda hemen acip gidiklayin” yazili t-shirtler bastirmali.
• Vucut zayif dusunce, cooook uzun zamandir hastalanmadigim kadar agir bir grip gecirdim. Iki gun yataktan kalkamadan, uyuyarak gecti. Yillar sonra ilk defa grip icin doktora gitme karari aldim. Doktora bogaz agrisi, bas agrisi, halsizlik, gibi bir suru sikayetle gittim. Oksuruk disinda her belirti vardi. Doktorun yazdigi ilaclar arasinda oksuruk surubu gorunce kahkahalarla guldum ancak ertesi gun oksurmeye baslamayayim mi? Bu sefer daha cok guldum. Doktorun ne yaptigini bildigi nadir anlardan birine denk geldim sanirim. Aman doktorlar alinmasin ama modern tipla aram hicbir zaman pek iyi olmadi, allah muhtac etmesin diyelim gecelim konuyu.
• Yogunluktan kocamin benimle yazili olarak iletisim kurmaya basladigini farkettim.
• Zihnim bu hafta bilincsiz bir sekilde Moda’da dolasti durdu. Kendimi defalarca Moda sahile inen yolda, Moda Teras’ta ve civarinda buldum. Anlam veremedim, uzerinde dusunecek firsatim da olmadi. Ozlemedim bile Moda’yi, hatta en sevdigim yerlerden biri bile degildir. Bogaz’da olacaksam Avrupa tarafinda olmayi tercih etmisimdir hep ama… yoksa dedikodumu mu yaptiniz Moda Teras’ta toplanip bakayim? Alooo!?
• Yarindan itibaren tatildeyim. Manado’ya gidiyoruz yine ailece, yeni ve eski dostlarla birlikte. Bol bol dalip, minik baliklarimla kumda denizde oynayip, kocamla sualtinda romantizm yasayip, bol Turkce geyik yapip Lembeh bogazina karsi raki icecegim. Yine tirnaklarimin icine minik kum taneleri, cantamin gozlerine deniz kabuklari dolacak. Herseye iyi gelecek.
• Tatile gidiyorum ya, bugun bir mutluyum, bir hafifim, dunya umurumda degil. Bu kadar cabuk psikoloji degisimi normal mi acaba? Normal degilse de bugun umurumda degil. Burnuma denizin ve gunes kreminin kokusu geldi yerlesti bile. Hahaaayt!
• Su tatilde hic gormedigim birsey gorsem, cok sasirsam, cok sevinsem. Balina kopekbaligi mesela. Video kameram yok ya bu tatilde, gorme ihtimalim cok yuksek, umitliyim 🙂
  

>Tropik yerlerin en buyuk problemi sivrisinekler ve bunlarin tasidigi tehlikeli hastaliklar malum. Biz de bahceyi 1-2 ayda bir duzenli olarak ilaclatiyorduk. Ozellikle yagmurlu mevsimde bu ilaclatma isi daha da onem kazaniyor cunku, biriken sularda sinekler daha hizli cogaliyor. Neyse, iste bu sefer nedense ilaclatma isini cok aksattik. Aylardir ilaclatmiyorduk bahceyi.

Hafta sonunu cocuklarla planlarken Cumartesi gunu annenin gunu olacak, Pazar gunu de onlar ne isterse onu yapacagiz diye konusmustuk. Pazar icin sundugum alternatifler arasindan evde kalip muffin pisirmeyi ve on bahcede piknik yapmayi tercih ettiler. Isin icine koskocaman on bahce girince, ben de risk almayayim diye bahcenin ilaclanmasi icin ilaclama sirketini Cumartesi gunu gelecek sekilde cagirdim. Ancak ben ogle yemeginden sonra ilaclamayi beklemeden disari ciktim. Olabilecek aksilikler hakkinda aklima hicbirsey gelmedi, nasil dusunemedim bilmiyorum….

Ilaclama yapilirken bizim sivrizekali guvenligimizin mutfak kapisini acip iceri kacacagini, bu esnada ilactan kacan bahce boceklerinin mutfaga dolusacagini, ilac gazlarinin da tabii ki mutfaktan eve girecegini dusunemedim. Kapilarin altindan sizan gazlara bir de mutfaktan gelen eklenince cici kusumuzun minik bedeninin bunu kaldiramayacagini dusunemedim… Minik kuslarin gazlara karsi ne kadar hassas oldugunu nasil dusunemedim…

Dun keyifsizdi zaten, bu sabah kalktigimizda olmus oldugunu gorduk.. Ne yazik ki Lara da gordu. Gazlardan etkilendigini o soyledi zaten aglamakli gozlerle. Herseye ragmen butun gucunu toplayip okuluna gitti. Arda kalkmadan uzucu sahneyi kaldirdik gozler onunden. Servise binerken Lara „Yeni kus aliriz di mi anne?“ diye sordu mangga karakterleri gibi titreyen yaslarla parlayan kocaman gozlerini bana dikip, „aksam konusuruz“ deyip gecistirdim. Berbat bir gun bugun…

>Aaah Acalya, „mim“ kelimesini kullanmaya korkar ettin beni, sobe mi diyecektik, ebe mi sasirdim simdi! Ne guzel mim diyor geciyorduk, mutlu mesut yasiyorduk kafamizi kuma gomup. Fazla bilgi basa dert vallahi sekerim, kafam karisiyor, ustumde buyuk baski hissediyorum. Her ne ise, iste onlardan geldi bana bir tane gectigimiz hafta, hem de kalbimde ozel bir yere sahip olan bir bloggerdan, Oytun’dan. Onumuzdeki gunlerde cok yogun olacagim, simdi sabah cayimi icerken yazayim dedim.

Oytun’un blogunu bilmeyen varsa hemen tiklaminizi tavsiye ederim. Sayfanin estetigi, fotograflarin guzelligi, tariflerin secilmisligiyle her yanindan ozen, emek, kalite ve zarafet akiyor. Yazilarini oylesine duru ama akici bir anlatimla yaziyor ki, hikayeyi yemek tarifine nasil baglayiveriyor sasiyorum her seferinde. Yemek tariflerini ise son derece detayli anlatarak, ismini telaffuz dahi edemedigim Fransiz yemeklerini, benim gibi acik noktalarda devresi atanlarin bile anlayabilecegi ve yapabilecegi hale getirebiliyor.

Oytun’un gonderdigi mimin (oh be, mim dedim rahatladim) kurallari soyle;
2009’un neden iyi geçtiğine dair 5 madde (en az) yazılacak
1. Olumlu şeyler yazılacak
2. Bu yazı düşünmeden hemen yazılacak
3. Ve 5 kişi mimlenerek oyuna dahil edilecek

Hemen ve dusunmeden yaziyorum;

Biiiiir: Ailemiz icin saglikli, huzurlu ve mutlu bir yildi. Daha ne isterim ki? Baska sebebe gerek yok aslinda ama devam.

Ikiiiii: Yogayla tanistim ve hayatima getirdiklerini cok sevdim.

Uuuuc: Yuzyuze ve sanal ortamda bir suru dunya tatlisi insanla tanistim 2009’da. Bazilarinin hayat boyu dostum kalacagini biliyorum.

Dooort: Daha once hic gitmedigim yerlere gittim, hic gormedigim canlilar gordum, hic tatmadigim yemekler yedim.

Beeees: Ilk kez evin videocusu sifatimi kenara birakip fotograf makinesini aldim elime ve bu isten buyuk keyif aldim. Henuz emeklesem de, fotografciliga adim atacagim gunu dort gozle bekler oldum.

Daha yazarim aslinda ama tadinda birakayim. Ben kimseyi ebelemiyorum, oyle ortaya birakiyorum bunu. Soyleyin bakalim 2009 sizler icin neden guzel gecti? Elim sende!

>We started “going out” with this cute guy. “Going out” was the term we used to use those days, which didn’t require people to pronounce the word “relationship”. There were two aspects of this term being used. Turkish society had been going through immense changes over the last century. Our people had to jump from a conservative, religious, suppressed life to a modern, competitive and fast changing one in a very short time. Majority of the population in the big cities adapted themselves to this new life. However, there was still the rest of the country trying to catch up with the fast pace of the change. Therefore, relationships were seldom talked about openly in families and “going out” was an innocent term that didn’t have any resemblance to an intimate relationship. Although it was strong enough to make people uncomfortable, it was still a neutral, innocent word when it came to defining a relationship. This was one reason of the popularity of this term.

The other reason was the fear to break the code of new generation of Amazons. I think the fear of commitment, broken marriages and epic stories of free working women were on the top of their fame in Turkey in the 90s. “Commitment”, “marriage”, “having children” were scary words to the young working women. They just wanted to have a selfish, independent, irresponsible and free life. This was all they wanted and this they had. These women used live in packs like wild dogs, they were strong, independent, charming, clever and loved having fun. No men could be as witty as they were. They felt the pleasure of a black widow when they cunningly humiliated a man. However, the little girl hiding deep inside the amazon’s heart kept waiting for her prince charming. Whenever a member of the pack got engaged in a romantic and happy relationship, they were green with envy. They wanted a strong man, but they wanted to be stronger. They wanted their man to commit, but they were scared of commitment. They wanted to be protected and taken care of, but they wanted to be equal or even superior to their man. They wanted to have one night stands, but they felt sorry when they never received that telephone call next morning. They were amazed that none of their relationships worked out. They just couldn’t figure out why.

In this environment of free but unspoken relationships, men could easily approach women. Sadly, this new modern, open and horny generation of women changed the relationship concept in men’s head, too. Men also started looking for short term, meaningless relationships which is usually fine for most men. Respect and love started disappearing from the relationships so quickly that nobody realized what was missing. And there came a generation of unhappy relationships and unsatisfied people.

However, our relationship was different. We were really “going out” with this cute guy. We were having dinners, I was helping him in his dive center. He was clearly interested in me and I was definitely attracted to him. This guy was different than the rest of the men I knew, he respected my space, never even had an attempt to hold my hand. I loved the way he got all shy and blushed when he was with me. I knew that he respected me and wanted me so deeply that he didn’t want to take any risk to ruin what we had. I knew he was different and I knew I could live with him for the rest of my life. I just didn’t know if I was ready for that.

One day, he invited me over to his apartment for dinner. I thought this could be the night to start a real, romantic relationship. I accepted his offer and went to his appartment. He had set the table for two. He cooked vegetable rice and roasted chicken. I learnt much later that he put candles on the table and put them away several times. There were no candles when I came. We had a lovely dinner, and then he offered to watch some DVDs. We watched Matrix, then Gladiator, then Friends, all 10 seasons of it sitting side by side but not even touching each other. When it was almost 4 o’clock in the morning, I got pissed off and decided to go home. Just when I was going out, he said he’ll come downstairs with me. I found that meaningless, but didn’t comment. He opened the car’s door for me and kept holding it longer than necessary after I sat down and almost started the engine. I was really bored and asked him if he wanted to say anything. Then he said that he wanted to see me more often. He did see me often enough, I wanted him to speak his feelings out, but I was also impatient. “come and sit next to me” I said, and I kissed him.

>Bu seferki mim çok hain, çanta mimi. Bayanların çantası karıştırılmaz ya hani, işte o kutsal, dokunulmaz çantaların sırlarını ifşa eden mim. Kim çıkardıysa esefle kınıyorum 🙂
Artık kaçış yok, Beste mimlemiş. Ben de kirli çamaşırlarımın bir kısmını döküyorum ortaya. Benim hayatımda üç çanta oluyor efendim, bir çocuklarla çıktığımda aldığım çanta, bir günlük çanta, bir de bilgisayar çantam. Asıl pandoranın kutusu bilgisayar çantam ama mim ‘bilgisayar çantası mimi’ olmadığı için bunu açmıyorum, böyle daha da hain bir mim çıkabilir her an diye Pazartesi ilk iş bilgisayar çantamı temizleme kararıyla kapatıyorum hafta sonumu.

Buyrun bu benim işten gelip koltuğa attığım haliyle çantam:

1. Eşarp
2. İşle ilgili dosya, kelebekli deri kurdeleli defterim ve çirkin hesap makinem
3. Bozuk para çantam
4. can kurtaran çanta bir
5. Ambasador Mall’dan alınmış kopya DVD’ler
6. can kurtaran çanta iki
7. Bir arkadaşımın Nepal’den hediye getirdiği kolye , kesesi içinde
8. Cüzdana konmamış paralar
9. El kremi
10. Dim Sum restoranından araklanmış ıslak mendiller
11. Cüzdan

Gelelim şu can kurtaran çantalara, hafta içinde bir kaç çanta değiştirdiğim için bu minik çantaların görevi çok kritik. bunları aldığım zaman hayati şeyleri yanıma almışım gibi hissediyorum. Bunların içeriği de şöyle:

1. Kağıt mendil
2. Evren’in lebkuchen tarifi
3. Bilimum kalemler ve silgi
4. Bir adet oyun parkı kartı
5. aynı restorandan araklanmış bir ıslak mendil daha
6. Deniz kabukları
7. Ruj
8. bunun ne olduğunu bilen var mı? he he
9. minik kağıt törpüler
10. sivrisinek kovucu losyon
11. Geçen sene Chinese New Year’da arkadaşımın annesinin verdiği, içinde para olan ve bir yıl çantamda taşımam gerektiği söylenen uğur zarfı
12. lastik toka
13. ıslak mendil
14. bir fabrikanın bahçesinden aldığım çiçek tohumu
15. antiseptik el sıvısı
16. şeker
17. bir arkadaşımın kendi elleriyle yaptığı metalden kitap ayıracı.
18. naneli sakız

Çanta iki:

1. Telefonun kulaklığı
2. Telefonun şarjı
3. İşyeri kimlik kartım

Budur…
Merakımdan deli kız Duygu‘yu mimliyorum.. hi hi hi

>Living in the tropics has been my dream since high school days. Sunshine has always filled me with positive energy and I literally used to hate winters in Turkey when I was a child. We used to have long, cold, fierce winters in Istanbul, before the seasons got mixed up. I remember roads getting blocked by snow for days, my mom having to bake our own bread and spending days without any shower because of frozen water pipes. The only good part was the unexpected school holidays and playing out in the snow, but even then, I never liked my toes getting numb from cold and the thousands of layers of clothes I had to wear to keep warm.

My collage days have passed watching the cloudy sky from the windows of dark, huge, cold classrooms, the deep voice of the lecturer fading slowly in my brain and me dreaming to be in a beach party on a tropic island. I was sure that I would worship the sun if I was a pagan as for me; sun was the source of vital energy. I would dream of having 12 month long summers, sandy beaches by the blue sea and an easy, peaceful life on an island. Every cold night that I went to bed with my socks on, I would wish I would wake up on a hammock by the beach next morning and I would want that with all my heart.

Of course, none of that happened and I had to graduate from university after going through four long winters in Istanbul. When I became a working young woman, I somehow managed to put those thoughts away in a locked section of my heart. Then, three things happened that changed the course of my life.

The first one was that I started working in adidas after spending several miserable years in factory floors. It happened so smoothly and easily that I didn’t even realize what kind of opportunities were about to open up for me. I used to enjoy working in a factory because I was learning tons of interesting stuff. After all, I was a typical engineer, as I still am, and I loved being in the middle of production, where everything happened. However, the working conditions were tough. I was trapped in long working hours and a never ending stress to keep deliveries. I knew I had to change my life when I realized I had no friends left and the only dreams I was having were nightmares of late shipments in a factory setting. When I saw the adidas ad in the newspaper, I just sent my CV without giving it much thought. It was probably the first or second job I had applied after deciding to change my job. The only reason I wanted
to work there was that I didn’t want to work in a factory any more. The interview was so funnny. I was interviewed by a Senior Merchandiser named Ebru, and it was everything but a job interview. We had found out that we had graduated from the same university and even spent a few years in the same high school. We had lots of common friends. She had also spent a few years working in factories, so she knew exactly why I was there. She told me all about the life in a liaison office, how boring it was compared to working in a factory, but how fun it was leaving a lot of time for a life outside work and providing opportunities to meet new people. It sounded fun; it was exactly what I wanted. I was sitting in a desk right in front of Ebru four weeks later. I didn’t know that this company would provide me the opportunity to live my dream then, but it was still pleasant to be there.

Ebru was involved in the second important thing that happened to me as well. She was right, now I did have a lot of time to do things other than working. But I didn’t really know what to do. Hanging out with people and going to concerts and clubs was fun, but there had to be something more meaningful than that. Ebru filled the gap very quickly, she found a diving club to learn scuba diving. So we did learn scuba diving and I found myself in a whole new world to discover. I felt exactly like Sullivan’s avatar in Pandora. I just loved to be under the water and I was amazed by the life and colours down there. Finding tiny creatures hiding in the reef, getting to know the behavior patterns of the animals gave me a happiness that’s hard to describe. I had found my passion, the thing that I was born to do.

The third important event was actually a big failure or an unfortunate occurrence that led me to the best thing ever happened to me. I wanted to have more adventures, a different life experience and more independence. I had a job offer from the headquarters in Germany, I had several successful interviews and I had even signed a two year contract. The company applied for my working visa and I wasn’t getting any news from them for weeks. I had started getting worried already but they were confident that everything would be sorted out. My boss had found a person to replace me and I had already started handing my job to other colleagues. In the end, nothing was sorted out, the company managed to get a working visa for one year only. They could probably extend it, but I had no faith anymore and I felt that I shouldn’t be taking that risk. I didn’t go anywhere. I was upset, very upset. I wanted to have a
different life and I couldn’t do it. I was so upset that all I wanted to do was to give up everything I had and be a dive instructor in Malvides. I wanted this really bad, so with some encouragement from my mom, I was attending the PADI Instructor Development Course in October 2001. There were four students in the course including a cute guy that owned a dive center and I had no idea that he was my soul mate. This cute guy was going to be the love of my life, my husband, my best friend and the father of my children later.

>Sersem gibi oldum bu hafta. Bugun Cuma mi, Pazartesi mi, hangi gun ise gittim, hangi gun evde oturdum iyice karisti. Gecen gun, Dunya Anti-Yolsuzluk Gunu kutlamalari yuzunden ofis tatildi. Ondan once bir gun ben hasta oldugum icin ise gitmemistim. Ondan once haftanin her gunu sehir disindaki fabrikalara gittigim icin tersim donmustu. Haydi simdiki zaman ve gecmis zaman karisti, bir dereceye kadar anlasilir da, gelecek de tamamen corba olmus durumda beynimde. Ne zaman tatile gidiyoruz, ne zaman raki gecesi, ne zaman tatilden geliyoruz, ne zaman yilbasi? Kim ne zaman geliyor, ne zaman gidiyor? Ipin ucu kacti.

Zaman ve takvim kavramlarimi kaybettim, hukumsuzdur. Bulan gule gule kullansin, cok da lazim degil bana. Iki tane canli takvimim var benim, gecen her gunumu tatli bir sekilde bana hatirlatiyor.

Bu arada takvim ve zamanla ilgili birseyi kafamda tutamiyorum ama, onumuzdeki Manado gezisi icin silikon maps, sampuan, antiseptik sivi tarzi ihtiyaclari hic unutmuyorum nedense.. Tatil mi istiyor canim nedir? Kuvvetle muhtemel, hakkidir ayrica.